welcome to loserville...
bop of the day: anything box- living in oblivion
11/18/21
Today was a pretty eventful day. I went cruising around on my pennyboard the weather was so fucking nice which is pretty rare where I live. I encounterd the coolest homeless man I fuck with homeless people cause I really enjoy listening to their stories and my uncle was homeless as well so I empathize with them. The guy I meet was named Mike and he could fucking skate I'm talking bout some hard ass skatiing tricks like a kickflip and he even did a darkslide! He was the coolest so I bought him some ice cream from 7/11. We were just chatting bout life and turned out he got kicked out of his house at a young age becasue his parents were religious af and didn't approve of him not being on board with the same religious mindset they had. Mike later on shared some advice and told me not to get pregnant LMAO
Bop of the dayy : sunny day real estate- In circles
11/19/21
I fucking hate college!! Really want to drop out but I got no other talents to pursue. I just feel like college brings so much unnecessary stress on myself. I don't even know what I want to major in and I've done like 6 three page essays,so fucking sick of it!! Most of my interest are related to art or creating shit through coding. Even though I do enjoy coding I'm too stupid to go to school for it cause I did my reserach and shit requires quite a few math classes that I know i'll fail. My dumbass failed algebra 1 my freshman yr and barley passed it with a C in summerschool which goes to show how bad I am in math. As of right now I feel so lost in my life and spend most of my days crying or sleeping like a fucking loser. Why can't I just dissapear into oblivion?! Feels weird sharing personal shit but fuck it this is the reason why I created my own site and I doubt anyone cares enough to read this. Well another day to come really gonna try to get out more to distract myself from the negative, disgusting, and sad thoughts I get on a daily basis...buh-bye! ❤️️
Bop of the day: michael jackson- love never felt so good
11/22/21
Woke up in a pretty good mood. I got laid in my dreams last night not to brag but it was amazing. I suddenly then remembered thanksgiving day and the holidays are upon us and was an immediate turn off. I hate thanksgiving day the most. Don't really mind spending time with my grandma and cousins, but once other family members get introduced it's a total shit show. It's almost like they rise from the dead everytime the holidays are here. I have this one aunt who every fucking year hijacks the party and makes everyone sing to baby jesus on christmas or endorces us to say how much we "love" each other. No one wants to do it, but all of my family gets drunk enough to prepare for her arrival LOL. None of my family members are close except for my cousins and I so it just seems very fake when we get together and are forced to be around each other. The food is the only thing that keeps me going tho. I might just spend my thanksgiving day finishing up a game that I have been creating so def lookinig foward to that.
Bop of the day: jump 'n' run
11/28/21
Well..haven't been doing anything productive lately except for binge watching glow up on netflix. Don't know why I am so into that show, but I finished all of the seasons lol. I have however been applying to as many job openings as possible and thankfully have a job interview at walmart for this upcoming week so I'm praying they'll hire my ass. I'm desperate afff for money cause I really want to get botox for my TMJ. My jaw cracks every time I eat or when I'm talking and not only is it fucking annoying but it's starting to get a bit painful which is worrying me. I also really want to leave this shithole of a place that I live in right now. The dream place to live at is either san diego or new york. I was actually really close to moving into ny cause I almost got a volleyball scholarship to a college over there, but I didn't have enough game footage to send so that was a total bust. Even though I have some money saved up from a summer job that I had it's not enough to do shit that I want like getting a place for myself or traveling. Mannn I really want to travel with my best friend someday definitely want to visit japan (classic weeb) and sweden. I just want to live my fucking life!! Hate that everything is revolved around money ⋋_⋌ hopefully I don't spend the little amount of money I have left since I blew most of it off on all of the cyber monday deals.
Bop of the day: alice in chains- shame in you
12/9/21
Really wish the holidays could be over. The thought of christmas makes me tear up. I turned on the tv today this morning while I was cooking and would constantly hear christmas music which made me cry cause all of those songs discuss things like being happy with family and a bunch of shit like that. I just wish I could be happy like how the holidays are meant to be. I guess it just makes me feel more lonley, but whatever I've been able to manage this shit throughout the past years. I've been feeling so shitty latley and I can't take it anymore I've always hated myself but it's getting to a point where it's fucking unbearable. Ugh I hate writing bout my feelings and shit cause I feel like social media had made mental illness a brand. Everyone talks about how depressed or anxious they are which may be true for the most part but there are a lot of other people out there who just use it as a personality trait and it pisses me off. The last thing I would want is to be known as that bitch who is always depressed. Anyways I got a hula hoop that lights up and it's badass!! Ok bye ♥
Bop of the day: bladee- swan lake
12-19-21
Quite a few things have occurred throughout the past days after my last diary entry. I went to an amusement park with some friends last weekend and it was actually really fun. It felt so good leaving my hometown and just having the freedom to do as I please for the day. I was a bit sad coming back home because I'll just have to live another day doing the same shit. I just be thinking about all the things I would like to do with my life. Really want to go on a spontaneous trip with some friends or myself and just experience everything I've always wanted to do. I want to meet different kinds of people, go to raves, and just try some new shit! It's pretty frustrating having all of these urges and not being able to afford things, but I'm gonna start dedicating my life to just doing whatever I want. I'm fucking tired of trying to make my parents content because in the end of the day they might be happy but I'm left feeling completely lost and confused with my own happiness since I've never really done decisions based on what I really want to do deep down. Hopefully these desires of mine will become a reality sooner of later ☺. For the past 4 weeks some motherfuckers have been coming to my place to remodel my mom's rr and let me tell you it's been fucking he!! We all have been using one restroom which is fine, but my mom bought us some food from this bitch at her work and shit gave everyone diarrhea. It was so badddd my dad had to drive to 7/11 to blow up the fucking toilet cause my ass was taking it's sweet time lol.
Bop of the day: quad city- what you want for christmas
12/25/21
It's chritsmas! Wish I could've spent it with my nana but I've been having a sore throat and didn't want to potentially put my nana at risk cause she freaks out even when she gets a slight cold. My best friend gave me a really cute rilakkuma car freshener, stickers, and a notebook. I felt bad tho the only thing that I got her was a hair clip and a scrunchie, ik she tells me she loves it but I just love going all out with my gift giving but I didn't have a lot of money to spend this yr. I think that's the best way I show my love towards people even though that's not how I want other people to show their love towards me cause I feel uncomfortable if it's too flashy or expensive for some reason. I spent my christmas just chilling in my room watching some trailer park boys and america's next top model while eating some bomb ass tamales we had. It was pretty disappointing not having all of the traditional food we would make throughout the past years like bunuelos and esquites since my family got lazy lol. I was craving some champurado and ended up making some that somehow came out pretty fucking good. Well I hope I just end up having a regular cold and not covid cause my friend and I were planning on getting some piercings sometime this week and I definitely don't want to miss out on that!
Bop of the day: garbage- I hate love
12/28/21
Turns out I have fucking covid. After avoiding getting this shit for 1 year I just had to get it once the new year is approaching. It honestly just feels like a typical cold. It's funny cause my sister came to visit for the holidays in hopes she would be the one taking a break but that shit ended real quick once everyone in my family besides her got covid. She was about to go back home but the mountains were full of snow so she is forced to be our personal maid lol. I don't mind having my food brought to my door and laying around all day long but I just really wanted to hang out with my friend or cousins for the new year. I know it's it's going to be boring and a bit melancholy to be by myself once the new year arrives, whatever I'm fucking dead inside already so this shit dosen't faze me anymore. Happy new year to whoever ends up reading this hope all of your dreams will come true!!
bop of the day: mon laferte- antes de ti
01-12-22
Still self isolating!!! It's driving me crazyyyy thankfully I took a rapid test and it came out negative. Still not leaving my room until my PCR results come in, it's been pretty shitty staying in my room but at least I've had time do learn how to do other things. I've finally learned how to graffiti and haven't stopped graffiting in my new journal that I got. Once I come out negative I really want to go somewhere hidden and tag something that'll be some self care shit for me I guess. Latley I've been experiencing the worst panic attacks. I used to consistently get them when I was 14-16 but this time it feels a lot worst. When they hit it feels like I'm not alive and I get the scariest thoughts like my whole life is fake and I'm just living in a simulation. I later found out I was experiencing derealization and felt a bit more calm bout it since it's common amongs other people. It's pretty annoying not being able to tell anymone close to me how I'm actually feeling because everyone close to me only really care about themselves and won't give a shit bout how I really feel despite the fact I'm alwasy willing to listen to someone else's problems. I've always had a hard time being vulernable with people and if I do end up saying something personal I immediately regret it. After spending so much time in my room reflecting I've realized I put up through so much bullshit. I was so fucked up throughout my school yrs starting from 6th grade to 12th grade. Iwas eternally sad and didn't know why yet I masked that shit so well even my closest friend thinks I have it all together. I remember throwing up everyday before going to school because I was so nervouse I would also throw up becasue I just wanted to be skinny. I would also ditch school so many times just to cry or isolate myself. Even though no one knows bout this hearing other people complain to me about their problems pisses me off at times and IK it shouldn't. I guess it's becasue it made me realize what I was feeling wasn't normal compared to what other people close to me were experiencing yet I was able to push through all by myself.
Bop of the day: my ruin- beauty fiend
01-22-22
Been trying to slowly take control over my life. I hung out with my best friend the other day and it was a breath of fresh air. Every time I hang out with her I always feel a lot better as if I have no worries. It's weird tho sometimes I don't see her for long periods of time but when I do end up seeing her it's as if we never stopped talking and I love that about our friendship. Anyways I've been going out on walks to try tp spice up my days but I realized I definitely need more structure in my life. So I decided to enroll in an in person class for graphic design which I'm pretty excited for because I've been doing online school for awhile now and am fucking sick of it. Latley I've been really into web design and am considering making it my career. I took some free online courses and learned the basics on youtube but at times I get a bit overwhelmed since I don't really know where to start on my portfolio so hopefully my graphic design class will be a huge help. I also signed up for beauty school but am still waiting for the program to start since it's a new program and they told me they're waiting for more people to enroll in order for it to start. Making small little steps to improve my life cause I've been yearning for a CHANGE! Haven't done shit this whole month and I'm just tired of wasting my life away. Pretty relieved I'm doing these little things because it was so hard to just get up and now noticing myslef slowly having more control over my life kinda gives me hope for my future
Bop of the day: gg allin- no rules
02-08-22
Damn haven't written here in a while. I've just been lazy and nothing eventful has happened latley that is worth writing down, but valentines day is coming up and I kinda like this holiday. I just love all of the cute shit they sell during this month and I also never really saw valentines as a day to spend with a romantic partner but instead a day where I can celebrate my friendships. I absolutely cherrish my friends and I love giving them a bunch of gifts this day but I have no job right now so they'll have to be content with the cakepops I'm making them lol. Even though I don't care to be in a relationship right now I noticed I've never had the best luck when it comes to love. I am the WORST at dating I just wasn't built for it I suck at talking and am awkward as fuck so guys haven't been interested in me lol if only I was a hot girl things would be way easier. I just find it funny now and decided to just own it cause it's honestly not something I want to stress over like I did in the past. So yeah that's my hot take regarding my love life. My in person classes start on valentines day and I am NERVOUSE I've been doing online school since my jr year of high school so like 2 yrs already. I know it'll be nerve-wracking but I have to do it so let's see how it goes!
Bop of the day: pinegrove- old friends
02-18-22
So it has been a pretty rough week. As I mentioned in my last diary entry I had in person classes and I really like my psychology and graphic design class. I also had communication but am going to drop it and take it online instead cause I had a full blown panic attack during class and felt like I was going to faint. I really tried to go back the next day to face my fears but as I was driving my way to class I had another panic attack and there was no way I could go into class already freaking out. At least I'm exposing myself to other classes so I'm taking it one step at a time. I know I sound like a little whiny ass bitch but I'm just so tired of feeling like this. I suffer from constant anxiety attacks and am sick of it. At this point in life I'm just frustrated and sad it hasn't gone away since I'm constantly working on my mind. I just want to be happy for once in my life. The last time I remember feeling true happiness was back when I was 16, I would ditch school with my friends and do dumb shit. Also back when I was a lil freshman I would hang out with some guy I had the biggest crush on he was so funny to me and it was always a good time whenever I talked to him but we grew apart which is fine cause that's life!!! I just feel pretty nostalgic rn
Bop of the day: mon laferte- amado mio
02-21-22
Went out of town today and it felt good. I've been really loving chilling outside listening to music and just enjoying nature! Although my hometown doesn't have much beautiful sights to see I still enjoy the little things here. Where I went today was full of vegetation and animals and I was taking it all in. I've also been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I'm so indecisive with what I want to do as a career. I love the whole process of designing websites but then take a look at this shitty website I made and kinda feel discouraged. I've just met a lot of creative people who suck at what they do and are delusional af which is scary. I don't want to become one of those people and fear I'm not cut out to be a web designer or graphic designer. Ugh I'm still going to try because it's really the only thing right now that im really into. Yeah I'll most likley suck at first but I'm up for the challenge!
Bop of the day: dj taka feat aimee- refrain
03-02-22
It's my birthday month can't believe I'm gonna be 19 soon! No one cares about me tho but I'm fine with that cause I don't really care about my birthday either lol. I've been superrrr busy as of last week and I have been wanting to write about everything that has been going on but it's been hectic af and haven't had time. Sooo I finally got a job at mochinut and it's been so chaotic since it's a new place. I've literally seen everyone from my hometown there, we need hella workers tho cause everyone there s getting abused cause we all work 11 hrs lmaoo. I worke 48 hours in the spam of 4 days which is a lot but overall am grateful I'm making money. I also really love my co workers they are the coolest and am going to hang out with one of them soon. I also met the sweetest guy there, we were eating pizza together during break and he all of a sudden opened up to me about his life. He was really down bad and depressed which I felt really bad for him. I just felt like hugging him at the moment to comfort him but I know he'll be weirded out. So I just gave him some donuts lol that was my way of attempting to make him happy. Anyways I'm struggling with school and I've been stressing out. I hate school and feel like the career I want to pursue dosen't require a degree so I'm considering dropping out but I'm a pussy so I'll just suck it up. To end on a positive note a local fair is coming up and I really want to go with a friend but we're both super busy and I don't think he'll have time to go and I'm pretty busy too. I'm gladI reconnected with an old friend cause I feel like my "best friend" dosen't like me anymore which hurts but idk if that's just me overthinking. If she does have a problem I honestly don't have the energy to deal with anything anymore all I know is that I've never been a shitty friend but I kinda feel like I'm drifting apart from her so whatever happens, happens.
Bop of the day: nujabes/fat jon - samurai champloo OST
03-07-21
Ughhhh I’m feeling so DRAINED! I have been hustling at work and haven’t had time to chill since I’m either at work or at school. Good thing is my classes are easy and even though I’m behind in one of my classes I still have time to catch up. I also am on good terms with my friend again it wasn’t something for me to stress over like I did. Right now I really want to pack all my things and leave someplace that’s chill where I can spend my days at peace with myself. I hate my living situation right now my parents don’t have any consideration for me and stress me out 10x more!! I always act like I’m fine around them cause if I show any emotion it gets worse for me. I really need some sleep I’ve been sleeping so little def need some melatonin or magnesium. I’ve had magnesium in the past and it made it so much harder to wake up maybe I’ll just try heroin lol. Just kidding obviously after seeing my fav uncle laying lifelessly on the ground after overdosing on that shit I promised myself I won’t go down that road. Yeah I’ve tried weed which isn’t really a drug but I don’t want to do any hard drugs cause I have several family members with drug addiction so I’ve seen how heartbreaking being in that situation is and I don’t want to end up like them. Damn I got serious real quick lol but it’s ok that’s what my diary is for anyways. Man I really want to run away from everything right now and just disconnect from everything. Well gonna go sleep cause I have to wake up stupid early once again tommorow.
Bop of the day: yesterday don't mean shit- pantera
03-11-22
So I finally decided to drop my communication class. I think I’ll take it during summer school or sm if I continue school. It’s pretty nice out lately and when I have the time I try to go to this place near my grandma’s house that is a lil slice of paradise in this shithole of a place that I live in. I try to go there whenever I get the time to. I had time to go today and right now there is a field full of sheep and a bunch of flowers and trees around which make me feel like I’m in a completely different part of the world and helps me escape reality for a sec. I always see something beautiful like today there were a bunch of rabbits. My fav memory there was when I was laying on the grass during spring time and the whole sky was literally filled with butterflies!! I didn’t stay long like I wanted to cause I had to do some hw and it was getting pretty dark. I consider myself to be a pretty independent person and as much as I like doing my own things I’ve been feeling so lonely within the last couple of months. Yeah I’ve met people but they’re not anyone I can chill with cause we just simply don’t have anything in common or have the same sense of humor. Last time I hung out with a friend was on Jan and am pretty hurt about that. My heart be hurting a lot. I need to put myself out there more. If only I was more interesting making friends would be easier but instead I’m the biggest piece of shit
Bop of the day: enjambre - mania cardiaca
03-16-22
I started shifting my mindset lately and I’m doing the best I can!!! I realized I’m trying too hard with things in my life that are so stupid. I was so sad about almost turning 19 and have never gotten laid or ever had a boyfriend before. Those days of wallowing in sadness and being a fucking victim are OVERR. If a guy doesn't want to hook up with me I don’t give a fuckkkk I’ll just rub one out and do it myself. Fuck having a boyfriend right now I need to focus on being more happy and next thing I know I’ll end up getting fingerbanged cause people would want to be near my positive vibe that I'm trying to attain. I’m single and have a huge ass so I need to enjoy this time of being free. Yeah it sucks not having any romance in my life but I can create my own romance and I’ve been doing it. I’ve been going out to my lil hide out place in the middle of nature and been enjoying my time there relaxing, it’s stupid shit like that that makes me feel better. Life is hard for me right now but the struggle that I’m going through will bring me so much happiness since I’ll be saving up money for my own place and do shit that I want. So there is a fucking misery that comes to all of this .I’ve been feeling so sad for far too long already literally since 6th grade and I’m really going to give it my all to make myself happy or at least do things that prevent me from feeling sad all the time. I’m only going to be 19 once so I really want to make the most out of this year and do whatever it takes to make my soul happy. So I don’t care if my parents are upset if I drop out of college . It's not like I don’t have another plan in mind. I love web design and I don’t care what anyone says about me like if I suck at it or whatever. I'm going to work fucking hard to be good at it so yeah that’s my plan.
Bop of the day: system of a down- sugar
03-23-22
So a couple of things have occured. My birthday was on monday and my sister bought me the cutest cake which is shocking to me cause she rarely does nice things to me lol. I don’t really care for my birthday. I like to keep it chill but I had work that day so I was just frying corn dogs all day. My co workers were nice enough to get me a cake and they sang me happy birthday which made me feel a lil special. I also hung out with an old friend yesterday. I wish I could’ve stayed longer but I had to do a dumbass presentation which was worth a lot of points. If it wasn’t for that I would have skipped class. I was so nervous to meet up cause knowing how awkward I am I feared I was going to make things weird plus I haven’t seen him in forever. We ate at a friend's restaurant which was pretty good. I really wasn’t hungry tho cause I was a bit nervous lol. I ended up having a good time with him I don’t know if he felt the same but it was nice to catch up with him. I was also working when I all of a sudden saw some mf pissing on my car. I was so annoyed with everything already that I just bursted out yelling at this guy which is out of character for me. I felt bad cause he was a 60 year old guy and I understand old people can’t hold in their piss so I just ignored him and went on with my day. Well I have work at 3 and I’m gonna take a well needed nap before going adios!
Bop of the day: La Fayu-k - Menina
03-31-22
Feeling like complete shit once again. I am so mad because I was doing well for a sec but these feelings of sadness keep on coming back no matter how hard I try to fight it. Life to me seems pointless right now I just want to disappear. I’ve been going to therapy since I was 15 years old and I was always told I need to take meds. I was ashamed of the fact that I needed to take meds and declined the offer. I think it’s time to try some meds which I’m nervous for because all of my family members have tried antidepressants and I’ve seen some scary shit. My mom was on meds for most of my childhood and she was so cold towards my sister and I, I just fear I would turn into a different person but I’ve had enough of this crippling sadness already. I just need some help before I do something stupid to myself. I feel like my soul is literally breaking and I could really use a hug right now. I’m going to hang out with a close friend today and I hope it makes me feel happy for a couple of hours. Even though I don’t want to depend my happiness on someone else because I want to push through this by myself and not count on someone making me happy since people at the end of the day won’t always be by your side.
Bop of the day: eydie gormé - sabor a mi
04-06-22
I got another job! I’m working at mochinut and am about to start another job as a waiter. I”m absolutely not looking forward to working as a waiter but I’ll get more money that way so it has to be done. I guess that was the most positive thing that has happened throughout the past days. I had my graphic design class yesterday and something happened that left me fuming for hours. I even woke up upset and even cried a little. So I sit next to this guy who I have never spoken to until yesterday. I guess he liked talking to me because he invited me out to dinner but I didn’t accept because he was lame aff and I’m not looking for anything right now. He was being so obnoxious and kept on asking me if I had a boyfriend and I started ignoring him because he just seemed like he thought I was gonna be some easy bitch he can get. Well as I was leaving that class he came behind me and grabbed my ass. It wasn’t for a couple of seconds I mean he left his hand there for as long as he could until I pushed him away. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid he was gonna try to do something else since I was by myself with him. Now I want to hit him but at the moment I just froze and told him to fuck off, and his virgin ass just said “ oh I’m sorry I just thought you were really cool and I wanted to shoot my shot”. I couldn't believe I heard that cringy ass shit and it made me really fucking angry. I have to see him again tomorrow but this time I’m ready to start swinging if he tries to flirt with me. God he is such an asshole!!!!
Bop of the day: pavement - here
04-12-22
Damn been going through some changes. I finally moved out of my parents house and my grandma told me to move in with her because she understands the situation I am in. I feel really down bad right now and am really scared of what my future will look like. As of right now I’m working as a waitress at a sushi restaurant which is very scary for me because I’m pretty shy so this is pushing me out of my comfort zone, at least my coworkers are pretty cool. When I told my parents I was moving out my dad didn’t really care, he just wanted me to pay for my own shit which I was already planning on doing. My mom on the other hand was mad aff she started playing the victim and making it seem she was this perfect person who has done nothing bad. I tried talking to her calmly but she blew it out of proportion. All I want is to be happy and they are the main reason why I have been severely depressed for years so I don’t care if they get mad. I do feel bad because I am grateful for the things they have done for me like giving me food and paying for my phone, but they would look through my phone and go through everything. They would also lurk through my diary and computer. They are pretty overbearing and I have had enough. I’m going to work hard with my Ux/Ui design portfolio. I really want to change my life for the better.
Bop of the day: katy perry - thinking of you
04-20-22
Fuckkkkkk!!!! Lots of changes have been happening to me but it’s for the best I guess. I bought myself a new computer to get started with my programming career. I joined a coding bootcamp that will start off on Monday which I’m super happy I joined because I honestly love doing all of this crap, and it’s the only thing giving me hope so I’m going to try my hardest to get good at this. Living with my nana has been dope so far. I feel way more relaxed and whenever I’m feeling sad she gives me a hug which felt weird at first but it really makes me feel better I love her so much. I’m pretty lonely right now. I have a couple of friends but it’s hard to chill with them cause we all have different work schedules which makes it harder to hang out. My “closest” friend ghosted me I have no idea why but I already have enough shit going on personally and I don’t want to waste my time overthinking on something stupid like that. I don’t have energy to build any new friendships right now because friends don’t exist at the end of the day they will all abandon you anyways my heart be hurting a lot. Shitty things have happened to me in the past and I always manage so I just gotta keep pushing through all of this bullshit. I feel blah. I’ll probably go on a walk right now because I live in the middle of nowhere which I love I always find the coolest things. I can also just run off to a field all dramatically like in the movies when I’m feeling stressed out lol.
Bop of the day: blonde redhead - silently
05-01-22
What’s up fuckers, it’s been one hell of a week! I’ve been doing ok other than being sleep deprived for several days but that’s fixable. So I decided to stop working as a waitress because I’ve had enough of people who literally ruin my day at times. I’ll just go back to working at mochinut where I’m in the back avoiding stupid customers. I’m kinda going to miss my coworkers though they are all pretty chill and I’ve gotten close with them already. We are all planning a trip to the beach but I'm not sure if it’s going to happen but it just goes to show how close we’ve become. I found a little kitten the other day at work and we instantly had a connection. I just had to keep her. I named her ming and she is just a vibed out kitten not hyper at all which I love. So glad I took in a kitten because she makes me so happy. Nothing feels as good as cuddling with your pet which I've been doing constantly with ming. My programming bootcamp is amazing. I just love all of this shit and I somehow haven’t gotten bored from it which happens a lot of the times when I start doing a new hobby. I’m so glad I have a friend who likes doing the same thing too so we can help each other out. I feel bad for having negative speculations of him in the past but I’m just super weary of who I’m becoming close to since I have had bad experiences with friends in the past and it made it hard for me to trust people now. He is a great person tho and I sometimes do get a lil sad because he lives far away and I just want to hang out with him and laugh. Good thing he is almost in town and I’ve been looking for places to go with him in this small ass town. I have found weird little spots that are all hidden around where I live that may be fun places to hang out at . I’ve lost some friends but I still have a handful of people who I absolutely love and cherish them even though we don’t hang out as much I still really care for them.
Bop of the day: soul of mischief - 93 til infinity
05-10-22
Yoooo! I finally made my decision and dropped out of college. I was so scared but I made the choice to start doing whatever the fuck I want instead of following what everyone wants me to do. I have no plan B which is good because if I did I’ll use it so only having a plan A will motivate me to not give up and work really hard in becoming a web developer. So that was pretty much the big decision I made this week. I want to live my life as authentically as possible so I don’t mind if I disappoint people around me. I do what I want! I’ve also been really self hating a lot, i’ve gotten better than how I used to be but I just hate myself a lot. Wish there was some sort of procedure that can be done to people's personalities much like how people get botox or a BBL I’ll spend a good 2k on my personality lol. I just want to vibe out to the highest dopest version of myself , but as of right now all I see are flaws. Hate my sweaty palms, and I hate being so awkward! Ugh I’m working on myself tho I really am it’s so hard but I just have to face it head on like with everything else I have faced in my life. I found out I’m such a crybaby lol. I cry a lot but it’s like I want to be crying more. It’s so weird I only cry when I’m by myself because I feel gross crying in front of other people. I did it once infront of my “close friend” and she just judged me so much for it plus my parents would yell at me if they saw me crying so fuck that! Crying feels so good, some people like to punch holes into the drywall to release their anger but I just cry and cry till my anger is out so there's that. Throughout all of the downs I have been facing I have a few positive things going on which I am so grateful for. I’m so grateful for talking to an old friend again. He's the best and I love messaging him even though some convos can be small talk I still really appreciate him and am lucky to be his friend again
Bop of the day: gigi D'agostino - l'amour toujours
05-21-22
Mannn absolutely nothing has happened. I’ve been so damn tired all of the time and it’s really concerning me. It was so bad I didn’t even have the energy to think or hold up a conversation. I later on got my period and felt a bit better then I figured it was time to go to the doctor. When I went he said it was a lack of serotonin which means he recommended me what everyone has been telling me to take fucking antidepressants. Lately I have been in a loop of constant self hatred. I just want to disappear hate myself right now. I always feel like things are going to get worse and worse for me cause that’s kinda how things turn out for me. I’m just always ready for the setbacks lol. Don’t want to feed into that negative thought tho so I try to distract myself by reading some comics or watching comedy. I feel so alone I haven’t hung out with anyone that I can truly be myself with. Yeah I talk to people but I can’t be as genuine as I want with them cause if I did they would think I was some weird bitch or sm. Not really feeling myself nowadays and it scares me I don’t want to go back to that dark place I was years ago. I was so close to offing myself back in high school. I worked so hard to get myself mentally better and I’m upset that I’m drifting back into that part of my life. I just want a hug I’m not ok right now!!! Well gonna let out a good cry then sleep some more goodbye!
Bop of the day: Dream Age - Mindtrip
06-14-22
Fuckkk haven’t written here in a while but here I am feeling alive! I hung out with a friend I’ve been wanting to hang out with for a while. I felt like I was being too awkward and boring I thought he wasn’t going to be interested in me anymore and I was ready to get ghosted. He messaged me later saying he had a good time which surprised me and felt so relieved. My favorite part was hanging out with him at this park with ducks swimming around. I felt so peaceful with him as if all my worries were no longer there. It's funny cause right before that I nearly had a full blown panic attack cause we nearly crashed it was frr a close one don’t know how we dodged that. I want to hang out with him more so that I can get a bit more comfortable with him but for now it’s not too bad. Before we both left back home he gave me a hug. That hug felt so comfortable I realized at that moment he is really special to me. That's more the reason I’m lucky to be his friend again. Besides that I’ve been looking for some therapist near me cause I need some help with my brain!! My programming workshop is so intense I have imposter syndrome right now. I just feel like I’m too stupid for this but at least I’m trying. It’s hard to stay motivated at times when it starts getting rough.
Bop of the day: I choose you - Sara Bareilles
06-25-22
Hi Hi! I’ve been having a good time with that friend I always mention here. I still get nervous around him cause I don’t want to do something weird where he may potentially end up ghosting me, I just get a bit insecure at times. I had my first kiss with him the other day and it was ok I guess since he was a little nervous but I didn’t care. I thought it was funny that we made out while watching Beavis and Butthead. We later on just cuddled and I loved every moment of it, I just wished I stayed longer. I think it’s safe for me to let my guard down I realized if he ends up leaving me yea it’ll hurt but people in the past have abandoned me and I was able to manage so I’m willing to take that risk. I really want to share with him some personal shit I haven’t told anyone just so I can feel comfortable around him. I fear it will turn him off but if he really likes me he will accept me so I guess it’ll be a good idea to tell him just to see what he thinks of me. Alright I’m done being corny it’s just been an exciting couple of days.
Bop of the day: Blue Moon - Vaughn Monroe
07-03-22
I have a boyfriend now!!! Something I thought would never happen to me finally became reality. I’m so happy with him, he has such a good heart. His intelligence and positive and confident attitude inspires me. I'm so glad we’re together and I just hope we know each other for several years to come. I’m a fool in love!!! The other day we went to an art walk together and we were sitting down for 2 hours waiting for some fireworks until they announced all last minute that the fireworks were canceled.I was a little upset about that but it didn’t really matter since it was nice just talking with him.We also went on a little trip to Arizona which was chill. It would be nice to have more little adventures like that. Anyways, I know this is a short entry I just wanted to quickly express how I feel about my new boyfriend.
Bop of the day: Sinking Feeling - Wavves
07-21-22
I'm back!! I’ve actually started living my life and have been doing fun things. Sure I’ve had my downs but for the most part things have been somewhat bearable compared to how I was months ago. It’s been pretty annoying not having any running water for weeks in my house all cause some fucking fish was blocking the water pipes, I guess it broke the pipe or the workers have been lazy to fix it. I also got fired from my job as a waitress and it’s honestly a blessing in disguise. That place is so corrupt and I’m kinda relieved I won’t be working there anymore. My boss told me the economy is bad and that they had to let some people off which is bullshit. I’m chilling tho since my boyfriend’s brother works at Denny's and I think he put in a good word for me so I applied there and am hoping for the best. I feel like everything good started happening ever since I started hanging out with my boyfriend. He’s helped me alot whether he knows it or not. We went a couple of weeks ago to Arizona and swam in a river. I had so much fun with him. We were just chilling when I noticed there was a rope dangling from a bridge that was on top of the river. I wanted to swing off the rope into the river but the current was too strong and it would’ve taken hours to get there, plus there was a long line forming and I eventually gave up on that. So little time has passed by yet I’ve made so many nice memories with him already. I loooove himmmm! Besides that I’ve been wanting some female energy in my life. I’m pretty antisocial so making friends is not the easiest for me. I’m pretty awkward so that’s nice too. My self image has not been the best but I’m grateful it hasn’t gotten worse as well. It’s always the same four thoughts I get that linger around for hours and hours which are: I wish I was funny, I want to be skinny, and I want to be an interesting person. I always write about that here but writing in my form of therapy I love it. I also love making fun of myself because humor is another way I cope. I’ve been writing for years and never gotten tired from it.
Bop of the day: Soul and fire - Sebadoh
09-02-22
Yoo! I feel like my mental health is decreasing again. I’m a little sad that my boyfriend is leaving next week back to college but I’m not getting depressed over that. Even before I started to feel pretty melancholy and I just started crying for no reason. I don’t know I’m a pretty naturally gloomy low energy person and I frequently struggle with sadness. So I know I can cope but honestly my bf has been a big help. I appreciate all the times he’s taken me out to eat and he’s also taken me to fun little events here and there. He also listens to me which I couldn’t believe someone was willing to do so. I’ve had a good time with him and I’m not going to see him as much so that’s going to hurt a little. I most likely am being too sensitive and he probably isn’t going to care as much as I do. Besides that I’m not really happy with what I’m doing in my life. I thought I would love to code and I do like coding, but the more I learn about it the more annoyed I get. I just feel like I’m not cut out for this and I get sad because I dropped out of school to take a bootcamp and pursue web development. I do like designing websites but I’m pretty bad at it idk I just feel like a failure rn. I feel lost in my life. Everyone around me seems to have a good grasp on what they want and here I am laying in bed like a loser once again. I’m disappointed in myself because I thought I found my passion but it doesn't quite feel like it is.
Bop of the day: Ripples - Beabadoobee
11-17-22
Feeling pretty bummed out today. So I’ve written about the relationship I’ve been in and it was going well at first.Long distance has been tough for me though and I don’t really feel loved anymore which makes me sad. I don’t really feel like he cares for me but that’s just may be my overthinking. I took myself out on a date to make myself feel better. I went to the movies and bought myself flowers. I want to tell him how I feel but I’ll just be a burden so I’ll keep it to myself. I do love him but I fear that the distance won’t make him feel the same for me anymore. This is all probably just my anxiety taking over my mind but still it’s so crippling having all of these intrusive thoughts all the time and it feels so real to me. I’ve been trying to control my emotions so I was taking some anxiety pills because I want to be at ease. Turns out those pills made me feel worse and I just felt dead inside. I’m gonna look for other alternatives but until then I’ll just have to start working out to distract myself from my feeling
Bop of the day: Chill House Mix
12-31-22
Yooo!! I haven’t written here in forever but I had to wrap up the yr with one last diary entry. Well 2022 went by so fast, and fuck a lot of changes happened this year. I moved out of my parent’s home, dropped out of college, lost my best friend, and got a boyfriend. I would say my low for this year was feeling very lonely since I got backstabbed by my closest friends. I’m not the type of person who hates being alone. I actually enjoy the time I spend in my own company I just think that people would stop pointing out how much of a loser I am and I would less likely be committed to a psych ward under 5150 if people could see that I was talking to actual other people across the table from me when I go to cafes or sm lol. I was just craving some female energy and wanted a codependent female friendship where we can just sit around and queef all day, but whatever this is a new year and I'm going to expose myself more so for now I’m not tripping out. My bf is the complete opposite. He can easily talk to people and in a way is helping me step out of my shell a bit. Let’s see what this new year awaits,I just want to be happy!!!!! Well I hope anyone who ends up reading this will have a very happy new year and that all of their wishes will come true. I'm gonna go clean my room now…BYE!
05-12-23
AHHH!! IM MAD AF RN. So by bf broke up with me a day ago and honestly I'm more upset about it than sad. He did it out of the bloom which is fine BUT this mf did such a creep move on me. He told me was thinking about it for a month and it was so werid how he would tell me he loves and misses me when in reality he didn't. That's fucking scary how he didn't even bother bringing it up and how he was acting like if he was into the relationship eventhough he wasn't. I honestly should've broken up with him from the start. He wouldn't call and I had to ASK him to call me instead of me calling him all the time, he would also make me pick him up when he was down here. I understand he didn't have a car but mf didn't even put effort . I gave him so much benefit of the doubt and forgave him cause I did care about him. He basically wasn't mature enough to handle a relationship and long distance requires a lot of maturity. He dosen't care about me so with that mindset I honestly moved on already lol. Kinda weird cause I thought it would take me forever to do it. So whatever on to the next!! I have a high expectation of the next guy I date. I literally settled for someone who wouldn't even give me the bare minimum due to me having low self esteem. I'm not gonna sit here making him seem like a complete monster cause he is a good guy and he did care about me maybe for the first 4 months or sm but overall looking back now the love is gone he wasn't the best boyfriend. I wish we were just friends and haven't dated. BUT i'm grateful for this experience becasue it made me into a stronger person and made me realize what I don't want in a relationship and other shit I need to focus on myself so CHEERS TO THAT BYE!
Bop of the day: start again - Spearmint
05-20-23
Hmm so how do I feel now that it has been 1 week since Jimmy broke up with me. I'm hurt. He lied to me simple as that. My friend told me he wanted to break up with me 3 months ago, but that his horniness got in the way. I did not expect that from him at all!! He was a fake person. He told me he loved me and that he misses me telling me how pretty I am all this time when it was in fact fucking bullshit. Now I know talk is cheap and to not really trust him. His excuse to break up with me is that he can't handle being in school and being a "boyfriend". I know that's bullshit. He probably got tired of me and wanted to go hook up and meet other bitches in davis. I love sluts and am not against them at all like everyone can do whatever they want. I'm just feel like I'm not the type of person to do that. I want to have sex with someone who genuinley cares about me and who I have a good connection with cause that is was makes sex fun for me. I don't want to be some guy's cumrag. I'm better than that.I'm still in shock. I really didn't expect Jimmy to be such a typical asshole guy. I thought he was an actual nice guy, but I was wrong. He is a selfish stubborn asshole typical guy. I'm going to therapy and I want to work on my confidence and self worth. So that's what I'm going to be practicing this summer. I'm not going to go out and fuck around or try to meet another guy. I want to focus on me and feel better being alone. I have to feel the pain and all these emotions that I'm feeling eventhough it sucks but that's how I will heal. Cause if I don't feel all of these emotions then I won't get over him and I do. I want to move on to a guy who won't just give me the bare minimum and who makes me a priority.
