11/18/21
Today was a pretty eventful day. I went cruising around on my pennyboard the weather was so fucking nice which is pretty rare where I live. I encounterd the coolest homeless man I fuck with homeless people cause I really enjoy listening to their stories and my uncle was homeless as well so I empathize with them. The guy I meet was named Mike and he could fucking skate I'm talking bout some hard ass skatiing tricks like a kickflip and he even did a darkslide! He was the coolest so I bought him some ice cream from 7/11. We were just chatting bout life and turned out he got kicked out of his house at a young age becasue his parents were religious af and didn't approve of him not being on board with the same religious mindset they had. Mike later on shared some advice and told me not to get pregnant LMAO.
Bop of the day : sunny day real estate- In circles
11/19/21
I fucking hate college!! Really want to drop out but I got no other talents to pursue. I just feel like college brings so much unnecessary stress on myself. I don't even know what I want to major in and I've done like 6 three page essays,so fucking sick of it!! Most of my interest are related to art or creating shit through coding. Even though I do enjoy coding I'm too stupid to go to school for it cause I did my reserach and shit requires quite a few math classes that I know i'll fail. My dumbass failed algebra 1 my freshman yr and barley passed it with a C in summerschool which goes to show how bad I am in math. As of right now I feel so lost in my life and spend most of my days crying or sleeping like a fucking loser. Why can't I just dissapear into oblivion?! Feels weird sharing personal shit but fuck it this is the reason why I created my own site and I doubt anyone cares enough to read this. Well another day to come really gonna try to get out more to distract myself from the negative, disgusting, and sad thoughts I get on a daily basis...buh-bye! ❤️
Bop of the day: michael jackson- love never felt so good
11/22/21
Woke up in a pretty good mood. I got laid in my dreams last night not to brag but it was amazing. I suddenly then remembered thanksgiving day and the holidays are upon us and was an immediate turn off. I hate thanksgiving day the most. Don't really mind spending time with my grandma and cousins, but once other family members get introduced it's a total shit show. It's almost like they rise from the dead everytime the holidays are here. I have this one aunt who every fucking year hijacks the party and makes everyone sing to baby jesus on christmas or endorces us to say how much we "love" each other. No one wants to do it, but all of my family gets drunk enough to prepare for her arrival LOL. None of my family members are close except for my cousins and I so it just seems very fake when we get together and are forced to be around each other. The food is the only thing that keeps me going tho. I might just spend my thanksgiving day finishing up a game that I have been creating so def lookinig foward to that.
Bop of the day: jump 'n' run
11/28/21
Well..haven't been doing anything productive lately except for binge watching glow up on netflix. Don't know why I am so into that show, but I finished all of the seasons lol. I have however been applying to as many job openings as possible and thankfully have a job interview at walmart for this upcoming week so I'm praying they'll hire my ass. I'm desperate afff for money cause I really want to get botox for my TMJ. My jaw cracks every time I eat or when I'm talking and not only is it fucking annoying but it's starting to get a bit painful which is worrying me. I also really want to leave this shithole of a place that I live in right now. The dream place to live at is either san diego or new york. I was actually really close to moving into ny cause I almost got a volleyball scholarship to a college over there, but I didn't have enough game footage to send so that was a total bust. Even though I have some money saved up from a summer job that I had it's not enough to do shit that I want like getting a place for myself or traveling. Mannn I really want to travel with my best friend someday definitely want to visit japan (classic weeb) and sweden. I just want to live my fucking life!! Hate that everything is revolved around money ⋋_⋌ hopefully I don't spend the little amount of money I have left since I blew most of it off on all of the cyber monday deals.
Bop of the day: alice in chains- shame in you
12/9/21
Really wish the holidays could be over. The thought of christmas makes me tear up. I turned on the tv today this morning while I was cooking and would constantly hear christmas music which made me cry cause all of those songs discuss things like being happy with family and a bunch of shit like that. I just wish I could be happy like how the holidays are meant to be. I guess it just makes me feel more lonley, but whatever I've been able to manage this shit throughout the past years. I've been feeling so shitty latley and I can't take it anymore I've always hated myself but it's getting to a point where it's fucking unbearable. Ugh I hate writing bout my feelings and shit cause I feel like social media had made mental illness a brand. Everyone talks about how depressed or anxious they are which may be true for the most part but there are a lot of other people out there who just use it as a personality trait and it pisses me off. The last thing I would want is to be known as that bitch who is always depressed. Anyways I got a hula hoop that lights up and it's badass!! Ok bye ♥
Bop of the day: bladee- swan lake
12-19-21
Quite a few things have occurred throughout the past days after my last diary entry. I went to an amusement park with some friends last weekend and it was actually really fun. It felt so good leaving my hometown and just having the freedom to do as I please for the day. I was a bit sad coming back home because I'll just have to live another day doing the same shit. I just be thinking about all the things I would like to do with my life. Really want to go on a spontaneous trip with some friends or myself and just experience everything I've always wanted to do. I want to meet different kinds of people, go to raves, and just try some new shit! It's pretty frustrating having all of these urges and not being able to afford things, but I'm gonna start dedicating my life to just doing whatever I want. I'm fucking tired of trying to make my parents content because in the end of the day they might be happy but I'm left feeling completely lost and confused with my own happiness since I've never really done decisions based on what I really want to do deep down. Hopefully these desires of mine will become a reality sooner of later ☺. For the past 4 weeks some motherfuckers have been coming to my place to remodel my mom's rr and let me tell you it's been fucking he!! We all have been using one restroom which is fine, but my mom bought us some food from this bitch at her work and shit gave everyone diarrhea. It was so badddd my dad had to drive to 7/11 to blow up the fucking toilet cause my ass was taking it's sweet time lol.
Bop of the day: quad city- what you want for christmas
12/25/21
It's chritsmas! Wish I could've spent it with my nana but I've been having a sore throat and didn't want to potentially put my nana at risk cause she freaks out even when she gets a slight cold. My best friend gave me a really cute rilakkuma car freshener, stickers, and a notebook. I felt bad tho the only thing that I got her was a hair clip and a scrunchie, ik she tells me she loves it but I just love going all out with my gift giving but I didn't have a lot of money to spend this yr. I think that's the best way I show my love towards people even though that's not how I want other people to show their love towards me cause I feel uncomfortable if it's too flashy or expensive for some reason. I spent my christmas just chilling in my room watching some trailer park boys and america's next top model while eating some bomb ass tamales we had. It was pretty disappointing not having all of the traditional food we would make throughout the past years like bunuelos and esquites since my family got lazy lol. I was craving some champurado and ended up making some that somehow came out pretty fucking good. Well I hope I just end up having a regular cold and not covid cause my friend and I were planning on getting some piercings sometime this week and I definitely don't want to miss out on that!
Bop of the day: garbage- I hate love
12/28/21
Turns out I have fucking covid. After avoiding getting this shit for 1 year I just had to get it once the new year is approaching. It honestly just feels like a typical cold. It's funny cause my sister came to visit for the holidays in hopes she would be the one taking a break but that shit ended real quick once everyone in my family besides her got covid. She was about to go back home but the mountains were full of snow so she is forced to be our personal maid lol. I don't mind having my food brought to my door and laying around all day long but I just really wanted to hang out with my friend or cousins for the new year. I know it's it's going to be boring and a bit melancholy to be by myself once the new year arrives, whatever I'm fucking dead inside already so this shit dosen't faze me anymore. Happy new year to whoever ends up reading this hope all of your dreams will come true!!
Bop of the day: mon laferte- antes de ti
01-12-22
Still self isolating!!! It's driving me crazyyyy thankfully I took a rapid test and it came out negative. Still not leaving my room until my PCR results come in, it's been pretty shitty staying in my room but at least I've had time do learn how to do other things. I've finally learned how to graffiti and haven't stopped graffiting in my new journal that I got. Once I come out negative I really want to go somewhere hidden and tag something that'll be some self care shit for me I guess. Latley I've been experiencing the worst panic attacks. I used to consistently get them when I was 14-16 but this time it feels a lot worst. When they hit it feels like I'm not alive and I get the scariest thoughts like my whole life is fake and I'm just living in a simulation. I later found out I was experiencing derealization and felt a bit more calm bout it since it's common amongs other people. It's pretty annoying not being able to tell anymone close to me how I'm actually feeling because everyone close to me only really care about themselves and won't give a shit bout how I really feel despite the fact I'm alwasy willing to listen to someone else's problems. I've always had a hard time being vulernable with people and if I do end up saying something personal I immediately regret it. After spending so much time in my room reflecting I've realized I put up through so much bullshit. I was so fucked up throughout my school yrs starting from 6th grade to 12th grade. Iwas eternally sad and didn't know why yet I masked that shit so well even my closest friend thinks I have it all together. I remember throwing up everyday before going to school because I was so nervouse I would also throw up becasue I just wanted to be skinny. I would also ditch school so many times just to cry or isolate myself. Even though no one knows bout this hearing other people complain to me about their problems pisses me off at times and IK it shouldn't. I guess it's becasue it made me realize what I was feeling wasn't normal compared to what other people close to me were experiencing yet I was able to push through all by myself.
Bop of the day: my ruin- beauty fiend
01-22-22
Been trying to slowly take control over my life. I hung out with my best friend the other day and it was a breath of fresh air. Every time I hang out with her I always feel a lot better as if I have no worries. It's weird tho sometimes I don't see her for long periods of time but when I do end up seeing her it's as if we never stopped talking and I love that about our friendship. Anyways I've been going out on walks to try tp spice up my days but I realized I definitely need more structure in my life. So I decided to enroll in an in person class for graphic design which I'm pretty excited for because I've been doing online school for awhile now and am fucking sick of it. Latley I've been really into web design and am considering making it my career. I took some free online courses and learned the basics on youtube but at times I get a bit overwhelmed since I don't really know where to start on my portfolio so hopefully my graphic design class will be a huge help. I also signed up for beauty school but am still waiting for the program to start since it's a new program and they told me they're waiting for more people to enroll in order for it to start. Making small little steps to improve my life cause I've been yearning for a CHANGE! Haven't done shit this whole month and I'm just tired of wasting my life away. Pretty relieved I'm doing these little things because it was so hard to just get up and now noticing myslef slowly having more control over my life kinda gives me hope for my future
Bop of the day: gg allin- no rules
02-08-22
Damn haven't written here in a while. I've just been lazy and nothing eventful has happened latley that is worth writing down, but valentines day is coming up and I kinda like this holiday. I just love all of the cute shit they sell during this month and I also never really saw valentines as a day to spend with a romantic partner but instead a day where I can celebrate my friendships. I absolutely cherrish my friends and I love giving them a bunch of gifts this day but I have no job right now so they'll have to be content with the cakepops I'm making them lol. Even though I don't care to be in a relationship right now I noticed I've never had the best luck when it comes to love. I am the WORST at dating I just wasn't built for it I suck at talking and am awkward as fuck so guys haven't been interested in me lol if only I was a hot girl things would be way easier. I just find it funny now and decided to just own it cause it's honestly not something I want to stress over like I did in the past. So yeah that's my hot take regarding my love life. My in person classes start on valentines day and I am NERVOUSE I've been doing online school since my jr year of high school so like 2 yrs already. I know it'll be nerve-wracking but I have to do it so let's see how it goes!